I was three years old when my dad carried me on the plane that flew us from Seoul to sunny and magical Honolulu. I was four when my birth mother walked out of our cheap and dingy railroad apartment in Philly and never came back.
Through the years, as I watched my classmates make “Happy Mother’s Day” cards, families in restaurants having brunch toasting their matriarchs with mimosas, and literally anything with daughters and mothers, I got angry. I hated Mother’s Day. It was the worst Hallmark holiday of all time.
I felt broken, unwanted, and unlovable. It was only after years of healing work that I learned to be the mother I always needed - to myself. Full disclosure – self-love is a continuous journey and practice. I still look at the only photo I have of me and my parents to remind myself of how helpless I was, how adorable I was (seriously – look at that hair!), and how lovable I was. I was a child.
I spent years trying to prove I was enough to the rest of my family, to my friends, to my employers, and because of this, I put my mind, soul, and body through hell. 2016-2018 was the straw that broke the workaholic stress, anxiety, and trauma camel's back and what caused the medical issues as to why I cannot biologically have children...
Despite me resisting, the Universe forced me to slow down in 2018. In 2019, I was told that I am unable to have babies. My heart still hurts from this news...but I'm not broken. I still cry and there is a lot of grieving, but I don't hate Mother's Day. It isn't the worst Hallmark holiday of all time.
It would be a lie to say that I'm in full acceptance. It's a process and I am fully aware that my grieving will take time. But I'm going to be the mother to myself that I need. And until then, I relish in spoiling and loving on my friends' children, being a big part of my bonus son's life, and being in constant awe of the loving and responsible mothers my friends have become.
I’m sharing this because our social feeds are filling up with Mother’s Day promotions. And as I was getting ready to add to it with Mother’s Day partnership messaging, I felt the need to put this out there for anyone, even if it’s just one person, who can relate to my experience and say –
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT UNWANTED. YOU ARE NOT UNLOVABLE.
To be continued…maybe? What do you want to know? Comment below...Be kind - I'm new at this. Looking forward to what you have to say.
Until then, be well and TAKE CARE...I’ll be working on our Mother’s Day ads...